Friday, May 25, 2012

If only I still had Bret Michaels' autograph scrawled onto a yellowed napkin covered with mildew, I could have been GREAT.

...and here is the last post I am giving you from my archives this week because today, boys and girls, school is out! Back at ya with fresh writing in a minute. In the meantime, please enjoy this very silly old post, originally published on December 19, 2011.

Today's #ReverbBroads11 prompt: Who would you most like to meet and why? via Dana at  Simply Walking.

Once I met Bret Michaels.

I was thirteen at the time, and I wasn't even absolutely sure who it was I had been talking to until I walked off with his autograph, but it was Bret Michaels of Poison. He signed his name on my Hard Rock Cafe napkin. Later I permanently misplaced it in the slag heap that was my room.

I also had Wil Wheaton's autograph, from when he was like fourteen. My dad got it for me. Lost that, too.

And somehow for me these incidents are still missed opportunities. If only I still had Bret Michaels' autograph scrawled onto a yellowed napkin covered with mildew, I could have been GREAT. 

On another occasion, when I was a waitress at the Good Earth Restaurant and Bakery in Larkspur, California, James Hetfield of Metallica came in and ate breakfast.  And who got to wait on him? Some red-headed chick who was all, "Who's James Hetfield?"

How I found out about this was when she came to the espresso bar afterward looking for clarification on who it was that she had just waited on. But he had already left. Lead singer of the best metal band in American history. Never. Even. Saw. Him.

Oh, I'm sorry what was your question? Who would I most like to meet (present tense)? I see. Here's my list:

  1. Jenny Lawson. Top person. I have a girl crush on her. We both have a terrible great sense of humor, we both write, we both suffer from rheumatic conditions. We should be best friends. We're not quite there yet. Right now, I'm like that fat girl with glasses in high school who writes poetry, and she's that like that hot jock on the varsity team. But I think she may notice me soon. If not, I may break down and crank call her.

  2. David Sedaris. He and I can talk about both our past drug abuse and our adventures hitchhiking. It will be mutually beneficial. Loads of laughs. And he can give me advice on my son's speech therapy.

  3. The Myth Busters. I am too stupid to understand most of what they do, but I really want to know how I can get a job doing bad-assed shit for fun. It may be problematic that I don't know how to do any bad-assed shit, but I do want to get close enough to borrow clothes from Kari Byron...

  4. My dead maternal grandfather. I want him to debate my husband, the UU Socrates. And I want him to reflect, from beyond the grave, on his shortcomings as a family member by contrast to his tremendous strength as a minister. I also want to hear his side of the story. 

  5. Jesus. I have a lot of stuff to ask Jesus, and I really want to hear his opinion on a lot of things. Everyone is so sure Jesus is on their side in all the arguments. Let him speak for himself. Maybe he would surprise you. Perhaps he's a Ron Paul supporter, for instance. I just want to know.
In fact, this sounds like the guest list for a hell of a Sunday morning coffee klatch at my place. I'll put on the espresso. By the way, it'd totally be OK if James Hetfield wanted to come, too..


  1. Love this list! I read Jenny Lawson's memoir over the past month and would love to meet her too. I had a huge crush on Bret Michaels ... Probably still do if I concentrate hard enough.

    Will you record that Sunday morning at your house? Or at least take really good notes? I'd love to witness it all.

  2. Can I be a fly on the wall that Sunday?

    1. Certainly. In fact, I think you should interview all of the attendees for your blog.

  3. How fun! My dad would get signatures of ballplayers for my brothers and so they wouldn't lose them, he put it where he put all "important" treasures...the family bible. I am sure seeing baseball cards tumble out of it is different.

    I would love to have dinner with Julia Child. I got to meet her once and she was so gracious (and I am sure she would know a great place to eat!) Enjoy the start of your summer!

    1. Thanks, Winnie. I suppose I could have kept the autographs somewhere other than on the floor. Perhaps inside the compiled works of Edna St. Vincent Millay, which was at the time, the closest thing I had to a Bible.

  4. New Follower! Looking forward to reading more.
    Hope you will follow back!
    Daisy @

  5. Ok I'll comment on two of those. :P

    I wanna meet the myth busters just so I can go 1. poke at jaime's mustache, 2. hump tori's leg and run away like nothing happened xD

    And I also wanna meet Jesus 'cause I have A LOT of stuff to ask and he has A LOT of explaining to do :P

    1. I wonder if I'm too old to hump strangers' legs upon first meeting...

  6. What a great and varied list! I'd also love to meet David Sedaris & the Myth Busters. I'll add Alton Brown, Joss Whedon, and Drew Barrymore to my list.

    I used to tend bar at a 4-star hotel across the street from the Whit House, and I could name-drop like crazy! The most fun I ever had with "celebrities" were the guys from MST3K. They were funny and super-nice.

    1. Admission: I am acronym-challenged and still trying to figure out what MST3K is. After you tell me, I will probably be embarrassed.


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