Thursday, May 10, 2012

Dear Dr. Blogheimer,

Today's post is a parody as assigned by the amazing, talented Elizabeth Grace of Word Nerd Speaks for the GBE2 Blogging Group.



Dear Dr. Blogheimer,

I am writing to share with you that I have been trying to follow your helpful advice in promoting my blog. Thank you very much for the numerous articles and seminars that you have offered on this topic. I especially enjoyed the $2,000 weekend retreat on How to Generate Income Blogging. Since attending, I have attempted to do everything just as you described, but have met a few roadblocks. I wonder if you'd answer a few clarifying questions for a loyal fan.

  1. What sorts of things should I tweet to my followers? It is been my understanding that a solid stream of content is best, so I have tried to tweet every hour or so with details of what I am eating for lunch and dinner and links to the same "evergreen" post I wrote two years ago on how to tell if your cat has diarrhea. This does not seem to have generated as much response as I was hoping. In fact, I seem to have lost some of the followers I had before. Which brings up another question. Most of the new followers I have seem to be very young women with surprisingly few clothes and a lot of wet cats. Perhaps they are pet enthusiasts living in tropical climes? Often, to be helpful, these same send direct messages to me with links, which I appreciate. However, when I open these, I often find later that a virus has been installed on my computer. I cannot explain this pattern. Can you advise?

  2. I am using Facebook to promote my blog, but I am having trouble keeping my family from ruining the fan page experience. My sister keeps writing things on my Facebook wall such as "Nice post, you big fat loser!" I wonder: is this a typical problem? Also, my mother has begun reading all of my posts and then using comments on Facebook to reference embarrassing things I did as a child. (i.e. "This piece you wrote on goldfish euthanasia reminds me strongly of the fact that, when you were two, you would wet the bed every night and then undress and sleepwalk naked through the house." I am concerned that this kind of thing will undermine the establishment my brand. Any thoughts?

  3. I have been using Pinterest avidly, as you suggested. I pin images of cat diarrhea with quotes from my post on that subject and a link back to my blog. So far, no dice. What am I doing wrong?

  4. I see that I now have a Klout score of 21 and am considered influential on the topics of diarrhea, cats, bed-wetting and sibling rivalry. But how can I leverage this expertise to get paid speaking engagements?

  5. I am having a hard time finding guest blogging platforms interested in publishing my work. I have contacted all of the top-notch ones, such as The Bloggess and Dooce, but they don't return my emails. I have an excellent piece on an experience I had while clipping my dog's nails, which I am shopping around, but I can't seem to break into the market. How do you recommend I keep the faith through this trying time?

  6. You have spoken frequently about the importance of using links in my work and referencing the work of other bloggers, public figures and journalists. I have attempted to link daily to certain people, in order to capture their attention. One of these is Dan Quayle, whom I find a way to work into posts as often as I can. My thinking is that he is not so followed in the media right now that this would be beneath his notice, and yet he remains a man of some importance. I would love your advice on how to up my game here. Here are some examples of my work so far:
  7. "And this is why it is hugely important to check every inch of your dog for scabies. Just as Dan Quayle checked every inch of his desk every day of his vice-presidency for matters of importance. Thoroughness is crucial."
    " In summary, my cat and I thoroughly enjoyed watching The [2011] Muppets. The only improvement I could imagine to this work of genius would have been a cameo by Dan Quayle. Or if I had been able to go to see the movie with Dan Quayle. Either of those." 
  8. I think I may have accidentally joined a pornography message board. I thought it was a group for bloggers posting on cat bathing. My mistake. I guess I should be more careful in future.
In conclusion, although right now, my page views are in free-fall and my husband is filing for divorce and custody of our nine cats, due to what he is calling my "obsession" with the unpaid work of blogging, I continue to feel hopeful. Given everything you taught me and the good money I spent on your excellent seminars, I think things can't help but turn around soon.

Yours sincerely,

Katrina Katermand
Blogger at "Your Wet Pooty Tat"




26 comments:

  1. Oh, the joys of trying to get our blogs noticed. This made me giggle.
    (Dan Quayle really doesn't get enough face time anymore.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, he doesn't and this is a great reciprocal way to address that. Everyone benefits.

      Delete
  2. Who is Dan Quayle? Off to get to that link...

    And whoever Dr. Blogheimer is, "$2,000?!!!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Of course, once you're making the $4.00 a month you'll be raking in from syndicated ad placement, you'll hardly notice the $2,000. It all adds up. The key is to think long-term.

      Delete
  3. Hee. I see a lot of this on my Twitter stream. As you pointed out, nothing beats actually writing good content! Unfortunately, that is hard and does not lend itself well to 7-point bullet lists and $2K weekend seminars. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Really? Some of my best writing is done in lists. Often I just take my shopping list and publish it....No, seriously, this was the only parody I could think of. I sat for 45 minutes looking at a blank Blogger screen, getting more and more pissed off at myself that I couldn't write a parody when my whole life is a parody, and then I realized that blogging itself lends itself nicely to this treatment.

      Delete
  4. I CAN'T BELIEVE LARISSA SAID "WHO IS DAN QUAYLE?" !!!! She lives to make us feel crusty.
    This piece is, of course, priceless. I'm dying over the wet cats. This is exactly how I promote my blog. Exactly. Except for ever Tweeting about anything or connecting with other bloggers and asking to guest post, or linking to anyone or anything of any consequence. But other than that...
    You're a hoot.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, you should try these things. It worked for Katrina Katermand, after all..Confession: I felt I may have gone way too far with the wet cats, but it kept making me crack up, so I wrote it anyway...

      Delete
  5. I think your first sentence was pure genius and you should begin all of your blogs in a similar fashion. :O)

    I'm going to go back into a few of my recent posts and link to the famous people I've mentioned. If Hillary Clinton were to drop by and comment, I'd take a screen shot and have it put on a tee-shirt. And a poster. And maybe a billboard. Ooh! And Johnny Depp! I might have mentioned four or five hundred times how I'd like to invite him over for dinner...and breakfast. Maybe he'll pop in just to print the pages he'll need for the restraining order. That would make me happy, too, just knowing he was thinking of me. ;OD

    I'd beg you to guest blog over at Casa de Nerd, but since we run in the same circles, it probably wouldn't do much of anything for you. Still, it would be GREAT for me. And it's all about me, right? So, wanna be my guest blogger? Do 'ya? Huh? Do 'ya?!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd LOVE to be your guest blogger. I'm not actually all that strategic. I just do what I feel like doing. And I feel like writing a guest post for you. I'll email you and we can talk about what kind of thing you had in mind. Unless you just want me to go with the cat diarrhea idea...

      I'm always linking to Jenny Lawson and so far she's never even kissed me. This seems sort of unappreciative if you ask me.

      Delete
    2. You can write anything you want for my blog. Your awesomeness can even bring cat diarrhea (maybe I should rephrase that). I'll be grateful for whatever comes from those magical fingertips.

      Delete
  6. That was $2,000 well spent. What a perfect take on parody. I loved it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is the gift that keeps on giving.

      Delete
  7. I have printed this out, pasted it to my desk, and intend on following it to the letter. What great advice!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Make sure to take note of the cat diarrhea.

      Delete
  8. This was awesome!

    Kathy
    http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  9. too true...LOL sad..but true!!!!!! LOLOL

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I guess the essence of parody is that it IS true, in a disturbing sort of way...

      Delete
  10. OMG..how helpful can one girl be? Seriously thinking is totally the way to go. I've been saving all the money I'm making for those ads, too and I had no clue what to actually do with all that money, a seminar, had not even thought of a seminar and now you have given me all the points! I'll think of something else.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You could try a fire walking retreat. I hear those are excellent.

      Delete
  11. I would have attended that retreat for $2,000. I could really use that money right now. Wait, you don't mean that I have to pay that amount? Maybe if Dan Quayle and Katrina were guaranteed to sit next to me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dan Quayle is supposed to be keynote at the next one. He will be speaking on how to define your brand. :)

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  12. I LOVE IT!! HA HA HA HA!! A cameo by Dan Quayle!! Brilliant!!

    Cheers!! Jenn.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm surprised more use is not made of this man.

      Delete

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