Dear Dr. Blogheimer,

Today's post is a parody as assigned by the amazing, talented Elizabeth Grace of Word Nerd Speaks for the GBE2 Blogging Group.

Dear Dr. Blogheimer,

I am writing to share with you that I have been trying to follow your helpful advice in promoting my blog. Thank you very much for the numerous articles and seminars that you have offered on this topic. I especially enjoyed the $2,000 weekend retreat on How to Generate Income Blogging. Since attending, I have attempted to do everything just as you described, but have met a few roadblocks. I wonder if you'd answer a few clarifying questions for a loyal fan.

1. What sorts of things should I tweet to my followers? It is been my understanding that a solid stream of content is best, so I have tried to tweet every hour or so with details of what I am eating for lunch and dinner and links to the same "evergreen" post I wrote two years ago on how to tell if your cat has diarrhea. This does not seem to have generated as much response as I was hoping. In fact, I seem to have lost some of the followers I had before. Which brings up another question. Most of the new followers I have seem to be very young women with surprisingly few clothes and a lot of wet cats. Perhaps they are pet enthusiasts living in tropical climes? Often, to be helpful, these same send direct messages to me with links, which I appreciate. However, when I open these, I often find later that a virus has been installed on my computer. I cannot explain this pattern. Can you advise?


2. I am using Facebook to promote my blog, but I am having trouble keeping my family from ruining the fan page experience. My sister keeps writing things on my Facebook wall such as "Nice post, you big fat loser!" I wonder: is this a typical problem? Also, my mother has begun reading all of my posts and then using comments on Facebook to reference embarrassing things I did as a child. (i.e. "This piece you wrote on goldfish euthanasia reminds me strongly of the fact that, when you were two, you would wet the bed every night and then undress and sleepwalk naked through the house." I am concerned that this kind of thing will undermine the establishment my brand. Any thoughts?


3. I have been using Pinterest avidly, as you suggested. I pin images of cat diarrhea with quotes from my post on that subject and a link back to my blog. So far, no dice. What am I doing wrong?


4. I see that I now have a Klout score of 21 and am considered influential on the topics of diarrhea, cats, bed-wetting and sibling rivalry. But how can I leverage this expertise to get paid speaking engagements?


5. I am having a hard time finding guest blogging platforms interested in publishing my work. I have contacted all of the top-notch ones, such as The Bloggess and Dooce, but they don't return my emails. I have an excellent piece on an experience I had while clipping my dog's nails, which I am shopping around, but I can't seem to break into the market. How do you recommend I keep the faith through this trying time?


6. You have spoken frequently about the importance of using links in my work and referencing the work of other bloggers, public figures and journalists. I have attempted to link daily to certain people, in order to capture their attention. One of these is Dan Quayle, whom I find a way to work into posts as often as I can. My thinking is that he is not so followed in the media right now that this would be beneath his notice, and yet he remains a man of some importance. I would love your advice on how to up my game here. Here are some examples of my work so far:

"And this is why it is hugely important to check every inch of your dog for scabies. Just as Dan Quayle checked every inch of his desk every day of his vice-presidency for matters of importance. Thoroughness is crucial."

" In summary, my cat and I thoroughly enjoyed watching The [2011] Muppets. The only improvement I could imagine to this work of genius would have been a cameo by Dan Quayle. Or if I had been able to go to see the movie with Dan Quayle. Either of those." 

7. I think I may have accidentally joined a pornography message board. I thought it was a group for bloggers posting on cat bathing. My mistake. I guess I should be more careful in future.

In conclusion, although right now, my page views are in free-fall and my husband is filing for divorce and custody of our nine cats, due to what he is calling my "obsession" with the unpaid work of blogging, I continue to feel hopeful. Given everything you taught me and the good money I spent on your excellent seminars, I think things can't help but turn around soon.

Yours sincerely,

Katrina Katermand

Blogger at "Your Wet Pooty Tat"