A Meme, a duck and a philosophical inquisition.

I have come down with a meme! What's a meme? It's a cross between blog mono and a high school slam book. Due to this condition, I must now tell you eleven random facts, answer eleven questions posed by a dear lady, spread the virus across America and pose eleven questions to those who who will have caught it. The questions are supposed to be light and funny, like the ones I will answer. Naturally, I chose to screw this up for my own amusement.

In keeping with the proper spirit of this thing, you may listen to this song while you read. It all goes down easier that way.

Part I. Eleven facts:

1. I hate games and spend half my life trying to figure out how to politely avoid being asked to play them.
2. My dog is named after Professor Xavier of the X-Men. This is ironic because he's an idiot.
3. The first concert I ever went to of my own choosing was Madonna at Oakland Coliseum. The second was Primus at the Warfield.
4. I once got picked up by the police for stealing coins out of a mall fountain to buy cigarettes.
5. When I told my mom over the phone that she had better speak to this man, the policeman said, "I'm not a man. I'm an officer."
6. I once owned a blue vinyl mini-skirt which could be completely unzipped from top to bottom in back. I wish I still had that skirt.
7. I love mythology. I think it just explains everything, don't you?
8. I am still kind of in love with Wesley from The Princess Bride.
9. I am ten times as crass and lewd as I make apparent on this blog.
10. I was once the operations manager of a construction business.
11. I can't eat fruit.

Part II. Eleven Answers to Tangled Lou's Questions:

1. If there were 5 birds in your yard, which one would you eat? And why?

I am pretty sure that this question was directed at me, since, at one point there were five birds in my yard and I did end up eating one. I chose the one who was injured. Now, we just got a new chicken, so I have five birds in my yard again. For death, I would choose the the misogynist crested prick who keeps pulling all the feathers out of one female duck's neck. You can take him home with you instead.

2. What's the best thing that happened to you when you were 7 years old?

I realized I was the messiah from another planet. This gave my life a totally new direction.

3. If the mob was going to take one of your fingers to recover a debt, which finger would you give them? Why? (Or would you do that thing where you flip the table and grab the giant meat cleaver from Vito?)

Did you see Bound? Any strategy I devised would be based on deception, sex and female collaboration. They can't have a finger without a fight.

4. If you were to throw a drink in someone's face, what drink would it be and why would you do it?

My mom once tossed ice tea in some lady's face after she gave her unsolicited parenting advice at a fair. I threw Gatorade at my husband once, before he was my husband. The best reason to do this is always moral outrage and anything refreshing will do.

5. Someone gives you a gorgeous mink coat for a gift, would you wear it? Why or why not?

As well wear shrunken heads on a necklace.

6. You are trapped in an elevator with the following people: Elton John, Kathy Griffin, Jimmy Carter and John Malkovich. What do you do? Would you take pictures with your cell phone?

(Sigh.) I never take pictures when I should. I would probably try to get John Malkovich by himself so we could talk. 

7. Who did you want to be when you were 13? Are you that person? Why or why not?

When I was 13, I wanted to be a psychologist. I am not a psychologist. I realized that I don't want to listen to people talk about their problems and try to help them. I just want to examine them and make observations. I was, however, a writer at 13 and I still am.

8. If you found a finger in your burrito, would you set it aside and keep eating? Why or why not?

I will pick out insects, worms and pieces of mold, but probably not human digits.

9. If your navel dispensed the condiment of your choice, what would it be? Why?

Pesto.

10. Are you a ferret person?

Of course. Who doesn't love a ferret? Mike won't let me have one, for some reason.

11. You are given an award for something you are very proud of. You get up to make your acceptance speech and they hand you a box of teeth. Does it throw you off? What do you do? Would you proudly display it on your mantel? 

It would throw me off momentarily, but I'd probably just put them in my mouth, smile and then later set them on a dresser next to my son's one-eyed Alien Duck Kachina.

Part III. The Victims:

I took my own sweet time and everyone who I know has been tagged already. How 'bout this? If you want to answer these damn questions, feel free. Or pick your faves. Smart people, come play!  Except...

Mike at All Things Reasonable...you're it! Or forget about coming to bed tonight.
Jessica at Jessica Banks Schools You...I have nothing over you, but it's worth a shot, right?


Part IV. The Questions:

O.K. Here are my questions. Put on your damn thinking caps, peeps.

1. Should we use some measure of guilt to encourage good behavior or do we really need to rely on intrinsic, unpressured desire to do good? Why or why not?

2. Should people with disabilities be taught as much as possible to function like typical people, or should the world be taught to see the value in difference? Or both? How?

3. Why are we still so divided by race after all this time?

4. When people talk about a belief or lack of belief in God, are we even talking about the same thing, or is God a chameleon?

5. What is grace? (as in God's grace, not as in physical grace)

6. Do we see gender too much or too little in our culture? Or just in the wrong way?

7. How do you know you aren't a total ass? (Don't take this personally. It's meant as an ontological query.)

8. What is worth giving your life to, besides your loved ones?

9. What does your family say about you that you think isn't true?

10. Can we truly love a person we don't understand?

11. Do you have any idea who might want my crested white drake?

Have fun. Here's your slam book. Pass it on.